


One more time with feeling

by curiumKingyo



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Drift, TW: Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 13:44:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1349527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiumKingyo/pseuds/curiumKingyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann finds out why Newt's so proud of his tattoos after their drift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One more time with feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pickleplum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pickleplum/gifts).



> 01) This was supposed to be payback for all the angst plum's making me go through. Except that it turned about 1/10 of the angst I was hoping for, which means I'm completely unable to angst. I'm a being of pure fluff.
> 
> 02) Newt's situation is based purely on personal experience, that's why I didn't tag it as a specific disorder - because _I don't know _how to tag it beyond self-harm__

Despite his area of expertise and his devotion to the handwriting of God, Hermann is an applied observant of human nature. When Newton gets his tattoos, Hermann notices a difference in his whole behavior. Firstly, the mathematician notices how he went from never showing his arms, to always flashing colored skin. Then he realizes the deeper changes in Newt's posture. His fascination with the Kaiju was never a secret but he used to keep more to himself, his deep admiration hidden under thick layers of scientific detachment. Now he brags about them, show them in his body and practically waves them off as a greeting card.

Obviously this new behavior rallies much more enemies than friends but Newton seem somehow impervious to their rash words and glances and occasional hard fists.

But Hermann is an observant only. He doesn't act upon what he sees, he is a man of theory and concept not of concrete actions and reactions. That very aspect of his nature changes as soon as he decides to drift with Newton and the baby Kaiju. Everybody knows how drifting changes people, but nobody thinks about the changes you go through before drifting. It takes a lot to accept yourself as you are and to offer it to someone else, fully aware that you'll never be that person again.

Hermann knows he'll never be the same, but it is worth to save Newton. To save the world. Turns out he isn't prepared to dive into Newt's mind _and_ the Kaiju hivemind at the same time. He floats in an endless sea of color and taste and smell, quickly losing himself in it. He desperatedly reaches for something - anything familiar. And it happens to be Newton's arm, outstreched from a memory of a tattoo parlor.

He suddenly finds himself inside a small tattoo shop. The walls are covered in comic book pages and there are action figures lining the shelves around the room. He watches the scene from some vague point over Newt's shoulder and it takes him a moment to realize it is Newton's first person point of view. The woman sitting in front of him is small and cute and covered in tattoos, she is examining his foreamrs attentively as he makes nervous small talk.

"They seem pretty fresh." She says, looking up at him with concerned eyes.

He shakes his head and Hermann feels how nervous he is. "I asure you, they're completely healed." She bits her lip and considers his word for a while. "It's been almost six months already!" He says in a moaning annoyed voice.

She glares at him but concedes. "I'll start here." She points a patch of pale skin near the inside of his elbow. "If it reacts well I'll do the rest, ok?"

He nods excitedly and watches as she puts the stencil paper over his skin and dabs it with alcohol to transfer the design he wanted. He nervously watches her chosing the inks and pouring small portions on plastic cups. When she has various shades of yellow, red and orange set she turns the tattoo machine on, dabs the tip on a vibrant yellow. She starts working, covering the sane skin before going for the problem area.

Hermann feels the needle pierce the skin, fast and repeatedly and he feels Newt's heartbeat rushing and pumping blood so hard his chest aches. After a moment the artist looks up at him. "It seems like everything is okay really. I'll do the lineart and finish this background today, it'll take a while to finish everything."

He snorts. "It will take a long while to do everything I have planned!" She smiles briefly at him and cleans the yellow ink from the needle before picking the black ink and starting Yamarashi's lineart.

Hermann feels the pain fading, actually being replaced by a different kind of pain. The sharp sting of the needle morphed into a diffuse pain that was overpowering but thankfully lasted just for a moment. He finds himself in the middle of a blue electric storm, filled with teeth and fire and claws that reach for him. There is a single bright yellow point in the entire scenery and that happens to be Newt's mind; strong and brilliant by his side. He allows himself to drift closer to him and join him into a bigger, stronger entity that confronts the hivemind and slashes through its defenses until they find their secrets.

When the drift ends Hermann is completely overwhelmed by the whole experience. He is shaking and sick and is glad to find a half destroyed toilet nearby so he can empty his stomach.  When he rises up Newt and him share a nervous stare and everything blurs together, the helicopter ride back to the Shatterdome, the rushed explanation of what they found, the short but nauseating wait for Mako and Raleigh to come back safely after closing the Breach.

It is late that night when he finally comes to himself, euphoria and grief still lingering at the corners of his mind. He is sprawled over a couch at Jaeger hangar, Newton by his side, and he knows this will be a constant now. He spent years observing drift partners and by now he is fully aware that him and Newt weren't a fluke, they _were_ drift compatible. The biologist's hand is warm and sticky with grime, sweat and spilled drinks, but it sits comfortably between Hermann's own filthy hands. He gently turns it so that the inner part of Newt's forearm is up and slides his fingers lightly over the colored skin. Now that he knows where to look for he can easily find the raised lines of old scars hiding among the swirls of red and orange.

Newt stirs awake and looks at him with bleary eyes. He smiles at Hermann but the mathematician doesn't find it in him to smile back, instead his eyes slowly travel to the point where he is touching Newton's arm. Newt follows his gaze and he feels his heart crack when he realizes what Hermann is doing. 'Now he knows how weak and ridiculous I am...' He thinks, smile dropping so fast it is almost comic.

"You were very strong when you had these done." Hermann says in a quiet tone, hand stilling against Newt's pulse. The unexpected words actually make Newt blink in surprise, he gapes a little and Hermann does smile a bit at him. "I'm really sorry things came to this point..." He hesitates and adds, voice cracking a bit.  "I'm afraid I wasn't of much help at that time."

" _I_ wasn't of much help at that time." Newt says and he sounds wound and frank and it breaks Hermann's heart. "I was losing focus, being too overwhelmed to function properly, constantly torn between excitement and despair." He sighs and tilts his head so it rests against Herman's shoulder. "Actually the first time I did it was on accident, cut myself while peeling an apple." He snorts and Hermann wheezes in response. "It felt good. Sobered me up. But got out of control so fast... I began to feel unfit and more than once I considered simply going back to MIT and leaving the kaiju to those who could handle them. But at the same time, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving. Of not being able to get this through." Hermann's hand slide down his arm and he takes Newt's own carefully, slotting their fingers together one by one. "I made up my mind: I was going to see the end of this war in the front row. I couldn't let anyone know, I'd be sent to medical and they would make me take medicines that would make me slow and I probably wouldn't live up to the humiliation. So I had to cover them up. Honestly, I should have tattooed you and all the other K-scientists, and the Rangers and J-Techs... Everyone who stood strong and never faltered."

Hermann presses the side of his face to the top of Newt's head. He squeezes the warm hand entwined with his cold one and smiles when Newt snuggles closer to him in the ratty couch. "I actually appreciate it that you didn't get a picture of me tattooed." He says lightly. "It wouldn't be fair to those who actually went through this and never felt out of place or unfit. Not to mention it would be an eye sore."

Newt laughs at it, small and fragile but laughter is much better in his voice than those sad words. "Yeah, you may be right, dude." Hermann squeaks in protest and nudges Newt's side hard. "I doubt any tattoo artist would be able to portray your pretty eyelashes..." Hermann actually blushes at this and Newt snickers fondly at him.

After you drift, you never get to be the same person again if only because you learn what it is like to be someone else. Quickly Hermann finds out he likes to be his new self, head full of beautiful and painful memories that belonged both to him and to someone else. He knows that with time he'll learn to deal with them, sort them out and possibly separate what truly belongs to him. Or not. After the drift you get to be a new person, a better one if you're lucky. And he is sure that Newt, scared and colorful, loud and warm make him a better person.


End file.
